Friday, 13 February 2015

The Prompt - Solitary

Sorry if this post makes no sense, but I am letting my heart do the writing and I needed to get this off my chest. My fingers could barely keep up.

I can't stipulate what is over, but it is. It's over. It's really over. After all these years I'm 99% sure that it's over. Sometimes, well most times, when you know, you know. I knew one day it would end and I secretly feared for this day. I cherish those days when it was good, when it was easy, things were familiar and comfortable. And now I sit here, alone, mourning and grieving, losing what was never going to be mine but felt like it was mine this whole time.

Looking back at all those years and all those choices I made, I don't know if regret is the right word. Could this be time to live as an authentic true self. What made it okay, for all these years, to live any other way? It's over but it's not because I will have to continue to live with and fight with what has happened. There are reminders everywhere. Permanent reminders, everywhere and yet I am still in this alone.



Other times when I thought it was ending, it was different, I had more hope. I have little hope now. Such little hope to hang on to. Everyone gets what they deserve in the end which raises so many questions which I actually know all the answers to. I'm not sure what is worse. Doing this alone or the lack of closure that will come from this. There is no closure, there can't be, because I was in this alone from the beginning.

A third of your life, cannot be forgotten, which I will seek comfort in, yet the rest of your life is to come and I wonder what I will do. Now. This discomfort, this unease, that lump in my throat. I mean really, what was I thinking? What else was meant to happen? I rejoiced in your miseries. Your lonliness was my joy. My lonliness was your open door.

Learn Sarah. Learn. Never stop learning. Grow Sarah. Grow. It's time to grow.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO! Like a tired child resisting a much needed nap. I don't want to.

Do this alone. I don't want to have this on my shoulders. It's just too hard.

They say when one door closes another opens. But I'm not ready for this door to close. I would much rather burn it down and watch it go up in flames. Up and down, to and fro, excitement and anxiety. All at the same time. For all these years. All on my own.





mumturnedmom

Step 40,

7 comments:

  1. wow this is so powerful and heartfelt. i hope writing this got things more clear in your head x #WeekendBlogHop

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  2. Wow thank you so much. Such kind and inspiring words. It did. It's almost like I can breathe a little deeper. Thank you again :)

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  3. There is so much emotion in this piece. It makes me sad, yet it's full of hope for the future too. I really hope it all works out for you x

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    1. Yes, hope, there is always hope, even if its only a little tony bit. Thank you for your lovely comment x

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  4. I can feel such pain reading this, I do hope it helped to write it. I'm sorry you feel alone in this moment/situation. I hope you find clarity and a way forward x And, I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to comment this week! To top off a busy week, my husband broke his hand on Saturday, that kind of through my weekend a little :) Thanks for sharing with #ThePrompt x

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  5. What a powerful post, even with out the initial disclaimer you can tell this is written straight from the heart. There's so much pain in this post, I really hope writing it helped you clear your thoughts a little and gave you strength x

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    1. Thank you, it really did. I have my days but don't we all :)

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