Saturday, 2 September 2017

Socialising

Attending social events or gatherings, when you're filing for divorce in about 2 months kind of sucks. My Indonesian community is a big one and information can spreads wildfire. So you can't blame me for sitting at a wedding or attending a gatherings, trying to screen who knows what about my situation. 

I mean, in the grand scheme of things I don't really care what people know or think or think they know. And I don't think people care that much really. or at least they shouldn't. It doesn't matter at the end of the day because I get to go home with my girl tribe, where we create a safe, relaxed environment where we feel cherished and nourished.

People talk. People are talking. About me. My own extended family included. And only a handful of people have been brave enough to approach me about my divorce directly. Currently the vibe is "is it true? Are they really getting a divorce?". And though I'm not wearing it as a badge of honour, if someone were to ask me to my face I would tell them. Because it is what it is and I'm not ashamed about it. And as hard as I try to shield my children from any emotion damage this divorce may cause them, if they see that I'm okay with it, I hope it helps them be okay with it.

Sometimes I find it easier to just avoid certain situations and audiences. I really can't be bothered ensuring people that I'm okay. So many greetings go as follows;

"Hi Sarah how have you been? how are the kids?"

"Oh me and the kids are doing great, how about you?"

"really? you're really okay?'

"Yeah I'm great how are you?"

Granted, like everyone else, I'm not great all the time but how else am I meant to respond?

"Oh me? Yeah it's exhausting at times both mentally and emotionally. I'm trying my best for the girls but really I'm very hopeful for my future and I know I'm doing the right thing."

That's a little heavy. True, but heavy.

I ran into a dear high childhood friend yesterday and as we caught each other up on work and kids and life, she asked how my husband was and I just had to lay it out that we weren't together anymore. And like any other time that I've done this in the past I am met with a "Are you serious? Oh, I'm so sorry, but you're a strong woman." 

I know I am strong and I know I am capable, but it's nice when someone reminds you of these qualities once in a while, because I tend to be harder on myself than I need to be. I'm guilty of that a lot and I'm working on it. The sting of failure still gets me when I am at social events surrounded by married couples and family units. I wonder if that sting will ever fade. 



Step 101,




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